Going Green

We’ve been preoccupied with Green around here lately, but I’m sorry to say it’s not the environmentally-friendly kind of Green that’s happening around here. Nope, our Green has much more to do with Lana’s current obsession with Shrek (more on that in the next monthly update) and her study of the color in school for the past couple weeks. On Thursday, they celebrated the completion of their color study with a Green-themed party hosted by Preston’s mom, Suzi. The festivities included some lovely green favors and green cupcakes. I found a few remnants of green frosting on Lana’s face and under her nails that afternoon, but after the bath that evening I assumed the green party was behind us. Silly mommy.

As I finished up Lana’s bath the next night, she grabbed her washcloth and began wiping down the tub while the water drained out. The dear child is fond of “Clean Up Time!” and rarely turns down an opportunity to wipe down surfaces in the bathroom, kitchen, or classroom. Naturally, this is an interest I encourage, so I left her engrossed in her cleaning and turned around to wash a particularly ripe lovey in the bathroom sink. A minute or two went by before Lana requested by attention.

“Mommy?”

“Yes, Lana?”

“I made dook.”

“What? (I turn around to spy a large green poop lying in the middle of the tub, with Lana backed away and pointing at it.) Oh my Lord!”

Lana immediately began chanting, “Oh my Lord, oh my loooaarrd, loarrrd. I made dook in tub!” She then collected herself and a very serious look came over her face when she said, “Mommy, we have to wipe it.”

Two years ago the sight of a green turd in my bathtub would have absolutely horrified me. Now, it cracks me up and sends me running for a witness (lucky John) and my video camera. I realize that not everyone enjoys a green poop as much as me, so I won’t share the video with actual poop footage. I’m saving that for Lana’s first serious boyfriend, anyway. Instead, check out the interview with Lana shortly after the incident.

A Doozie of a Twosie

Yes, I am writing about my baby’s poop again. It turns out that pooping is something newborns do best, and Lana does it with particular flair. She prefers not to poop while wearing her diaper, which means she is smart and sanitary enough to choose not to stew in her own excrement. This preference does, however, create a logistical problem for a baby that wears a diaper almost every minute of the day.

To get around this, Lana has settled into a complex and amazingly consistent pooping routine. She begins with a small decoy poop that is just stinky enough to get our attention and compel us to take her to the changing table. Once the diaper is off, the real action begins. I will show some restraint and not provide too many details about the pooping that happens when the diaper comes off, but it is distressing enough that I must hold Lana’s hand so she can make it through it. My reassurances make her feel better, though, and she shows her appreciation by treating me to one last chaser poop.

While dealing with this daily poop extravaganza, I often recall a parenting magazine article with tips for raising baby on a budget. One mom recommended cutting baby wipes in half to save money. I can only imagine how horrified this thrifty woman would be if she saw me using six to eight wipes to clean up one round of pooping. I too am a fan of saving money, but I view an extra $50 a year to keep baby poop off my hands as money well spent.

Poop Dispenser

The baby books I read really didn’t do enough to prepare me for the poops of my newborn baby. Sure, they told me to keep a record of my child’s bowel movements and even provided some guidance as to the characteristics of the poop. After changing Lana’s diapers for the past five weeks, I think a checklist like the following is actually in order:

• Poop is yellow and watery. Check.



• Poop has noticeable odor. Check.



• Poop has tendency to seep out of diapers and onto clothes of baby and caregivers. Check.



• Poop can be shot out of baby’s bottom during a diaper change like a garden fountain and land more than two feet away from the changing table while mom stands by screaming. CHECK.

Poop Management

I once worked with a guy who was hyper-organized, loved spreadsheets, and was unnaturally attached to his PDA. He carried the PDA everywhere with him, including the office restroom. Today I flipped the page on my Baby Owner’s Manual daily calendar to find a very close representation of what I always imagined he was doing in there with the PDA:


I'm sure his own spreadsheet was more thorough than this example, though. It must have at least included a "moderate" option under the delivery column.